The Ten Commandments of the Subway

Blocketh not a car door
(unless it's 8PM on a Friday night)

Brothers and sisters of the city, you are all well aware that the New York subway system is full of sinners. Every day we encounter persons who break one or more of the precious rules making up the unspoken underground social contract. And yet, if only we all did our best to honor and obey the following set of commandments, the subway would be a better place for you and for me.

They read as follows:

I. Thou shalt not standeth in front of a turnstile fumbling for thy Metrocard or blocketh a train car door while others are waiting to enter.

II. Thou shalt enter the car quickly during rush hour; thou shalt not hinder your entrance into the car when others are behind you also seeking to enter.

III. Thou shalt not carry mountain bikes, furniture, palm trees or other outrageously large items into the car.

IV. Thou shalt not take up more than one seat on the train; thy rear end must stay contained to that seat and that seat only.

V. Thou shalt not touch your train car neighbor unless you are acquainted with him or her.
i: Thou shalt not exhibit sudden bouts of narcolepsy and rest upon your neighbor's shoulder.
ii: Thou shalt not elbow your neighbor without recognition of the occurrence.
iii: Thou shalt not spread thy legs to the point of gently straddling your neighbor.

VI. Thou shalt not sneeze, cough or expel any other bodily fluids onto thy neighbor.

VII. Thou shalt not remove any articles of clothing while in transit; thou must enter and exit car fully clothed (including footwear).

VIII. Thou shalt not raise thy voice to unmanageable decibel levels, unless thou must do so to ward off oncoming predators such as mutant pigeons.

IX. Thou shalt not carry a particularly pungent sub/hoagie/hero/whatever the hell you happen call a sandwich onto a crowded subway car and proceed to unwrap and eat it, spilling crumbs all over the floor.

X. Thou shalt not preach absurdities about God, the Apocalypse, minorities, and related topics amongst thy neighbors... for Christ's sake.

Thus spoke the gods of the underground.

For hilarious and tragic examples of the most outrageous subway sinners, visit Subway Douchery, Seat Hogs and Train Pigs at your own risk.


Which subway commandments are you a faithful follower of? Are there any that should be added to the list?