It's the holiday season, and you know what that means. Chesnuts roasting on an open fire? Herald angels singing? Peace on Earth and goodwill towards men?
I wish. The holidays are perhaps best defined by the well-known fact that Christmas tunes are played out to no end on the radio for a period ranging anywhere from 4-6 weeks. New York City's own 106.7 Lite FM "got an early jump this year" (they proudly said it themselves) by beginning the musical showcase just a few days before Thanksgiving. Not surprisingly, at this point I've nearly memorized Lite FM's entire Christmas playlist, since the radio remains my faithful companion throughout the workweek.
Thus, being an amateur expert of holiday music (translation: having been exposed to the same songs over and over again in an endless, sugary loop), I've come to notice an interesting pattern: Christmas songs are weird. On the surface level, the predictability and innocence of our favorite holiday hits is comfortably mundane. However, a closer listen to the lyrics reveals some serious "WTF?" moments. Let me care to elaborate.
"It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year," Andy Williams
Mr. Williams' version of this song is, in this blogger's opinion, the #1 most overplayed Christmas song of all time. The third stanza is composed as follows:
There'll be parties for hosting / Marshmallows for toasting / And caroling out in the snow / There'll be scary ghost stories / And tales of the glories of Christmases long, long ago
Ghost stories? I'm sorry, what? I don't know about you, but if I had tried scaring my younger siblings and cousins with spooky tales of the macabre before sitting down to dinner, then I would've received an ass-whooping. Let's save the ghost stories for Halloween, people. (Except A Christmas Carol. Dickens, you're excused... this time.)
"Santa Claus is Coming to Town"
Typical happy, jolly holiday fare, right? Wrong. Who can forget this iconic line:
He sees you when you're sleeping / He knows when you're awake / He knows if you've been bad or good / So be good for goodness sake!
With these words, Santa Claus is officially outed as the world's most talented stalker. Furthermore, one couldn't possibly be good for goodness's sake while knowing that Santa remains ever-vigilant. Good luck falling asleep tonight, kids.
"Christmas Tree," Lady Gaga
Okay, maybe this one isn't a classic (yet). But there's just too much pleasure in listening to Gaga make no effort to be discreet in her innuendo-filled Christmas number (and too much pleasure in me getting to write about it).
Light me up put me on top, let's falalalalalalalala
Unless the star or angel atop the tree is actually talking to us, I believe something highly sexual is going on here, and it doesn't involve caroling.
Ho ho ho, under the mistletoe / Yes, everybody knows / We will take off our clothes / Yes, if you want us to we will
Like I always said, nudity and Christmas go together like peanut butter and sushi.
You, oh, oh, a Christmas / My Christmas tree is delicious / Oh, oh, a Christmas / My Christmas tree is delicious
Personally, I've never tasted a Christmas tree before, nor do I know anyone who has (unless we are referring to my grandmother's delicious tree-shaped sugar cookies). Therefore, I can only conclude that it is a metaphor for the female ge-- oh, you know.
These are some of the wackier moments in holiday song history, and they're just a few of many. Now if you'll excuse me, the responsibilities of adulthood and Gloria Estefan's spicy rendition of "Let it Snow" on Lite FM await me.
(Feel free to add your own kooky holiday lyrics in the Comments section.)
Haha I just listened to The Most Wonderful Time of the Year yesterday and thought, "Why are we telling ghost stories at Christmas?" but then I pictured a bunch of people drinking egg nog, enraptured by someone telling a ghost story and it somehow made more sense.
ReplyDeleteI ALWAYS wondered about that ghost story line.. like every time I hear that song! I think you hit the nail on the head with the Dickens thing though, that must be it. And by the way Lady Gaga does not even remotely count, in my opinion.. you can do better than that. But I like this entry in general a lot :)
ReplyDeleteEB: OK, I can understand the ghost stories if there's egg nog involved. Good point. I'd probably be more enraptured by the egg nog than the ghosts, though. Haha
ReplyDeleteJC: Fine, fine. Lady G isn't good enough for you. But I've got another one from "Here Comes Satnta Claus":
Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus,
Right down Santa Claus lane,
He doesn't care if you're rich or poor
He loves you just the same
Santa Claus knows we're all God's children
That makes everything right
So fill your hearts with Christmas cheer
'Cause Santa Claus comes tonight!
Conclusion: Santa doesn't discriminate on the basis of economic status (aww), only religion. Which makes sense at first, being that Christmas is a Christian holiday. But the lyric also exemplifies a typically white/Western mindset (i.e., thank God you believe in God, which "makes everything right").
And since when are God and Santa such great BFFs? Must be the whole St. Nick thing.
-BB